My public apology to minivans, fanny packs, and mom jeans

I used to be cool.

You probably couldn’t tell by looking at me now, but trust me, I was cool. My life used to include the things that cool people do like go to fun parties or stay out past nine.

And now it’s full of backyard birthdays and Mickey Mouse reruns. That’s okay, though. I’m cool with it. Really.

No, really.

Ok, fine. I’m not cool with it.

Here’s why. Next month I am turning 34. It’s not a milestone birthday or anything special, but for some reason, 34 is starting to put a damper on my once very well-established cool factor.

After all these years of thinking I was cool, I have now come to the very devastating conclusion that this is it. Those days are officially over.

And I have three things to blame: minivans, fanny packs, and mom jeans.

I was driving yesterday in my (very cool) black SUV. The sunroof was open, the music was playing, and all was right in my 33-year-old world. When suddenly, it happened. I pulled up next to another vehicle – a minivan with two kids and a dog riding in the backseat. The driver (who I’m certain is nowhere near my age) looked over at me and waved. At first I thought, “Oh Bless her heart. How sweet. I bet she wishes she was me in this cool SUV instead of that mommy mobile.”

Then, POW. My daughter kicked the back of my seat so hard that I am sure I’m going need an appointment with my chiropractor now.

“Mommy, please roll up the widow and turn off the radio. I can’t hear my show!”

I realized that mommy next to me wasn’t jealous of me. She felt sorry for me! Look at all the room in that van! Are there two stereo systems in there? How many cup holders does she have? Is that an island? IN HER CAR?!

The light turned green and I watched that brilliant woman drive away in her super cool minivan.

“I need one of those,” I thought.

It got me thinking about all the incredibly practical items that I used to scoff at in my younger – not so wiser – years.

Like fanny packs. Can we just discuss the genius of this invention? Have you ever tried one of these? They’re amazing. I have two kids ages 5 and 2. They are honestly the two wildest kids I have ever met. Keeping up with them should be an Olympic sport. Having to chase after them while also having to carry a purse or a diaper bag is like competing in some kind of twisted three-legged race where your leg is tied to an octopus. It requires using every extremity I have to wipe dirty noses, dodge flying objects, and herd children into my archaic SUV with manual rear doors. A fanny pack should be on this year’s must-have list. Yes, I realize they debuted in the 80s. I don’t care. Those things are cool.

Finally, and this one is hard for me to endorse. Mom jeans. Listen ladies, give up your skinny jeans. Say goodbye to the leggings. Grab your fanny pack, get in your minivan, and head to the closest retailer and do yourself a favor. Buy a pair of mom jeans. You’ll thank me later.

So there. This is my public apology to all the minivans, fanny packs, and faded mom jeans.

You win.

 

 

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